Being an alcoholic is something I am still ashamed about.
I have nine months sobriety under my belt and yet there are only a few people in my life that know. I don’t work and I don’t have many real life friends. My world for the last few years has consisted of online friendships. I have another blog, have been an active member of forums for a number of years and have another twitter account with close to 5,000 followers. I do not mention I am an alcoholic on Facebook, my other twitter account or on my other blog and I have wondered why.
I know why.
Whilst I am eternally grateful for what sobriety and the A.A programme have given me, somehow, I still do not want to publicly declare “I am a recovering alcoholic”.
I guess part of it is that really, in the realm of virtual friendships, you never really know who are true friends. Who are the people who will understand?
I imagine some of my followers may have noticed that I haven’t tweeted about pouring myself a glass (or ten) of wine. Maybe they haven’t.
There is a certain stigma attached to being an alcoholic, or an addict. I worry that people will be watching, waiting for my downfall. A downfall that would be quite spectacular no doubt. I worry that people will think that my admitting to being an alcoholic explains just about everything that has happened to me.
And yet, whilst I have always wanted to be as open with my followers as I can, I just don’t feel able to send that tweet or write that blog post on my other blog. So I feel I am hiding something from them.
I guess the important thing is that I have my family behind me, that they know. My real life friends that I do have are all from A.A anyway and I have confided in a handful of people who have known me online for several years.
Yet I feel dishonest, lacking integrity and no longer sure that it is something I should be keeping from them.