My life has always had drama in it. I have often noted to family and friends that even a script-writer of a soap would’t put a character through quite so much as what I have had happen in my life throughout the years. From awful neighbours, desperate lows of anxiety and depression to false allegations and a separation while still living with the husband (which luckily wasn’t permanent), I have survived an awful lot.
Whilst sobriety hasn’t brought a perfect life and nor was one promised, things on the whole have ticked along quite nicely for the past seven months, without any sense of drama or real stress.
There is a situation with a family member at the moment which could, quite easily, create chaos in my own life. I don’t manage my feelings very well and getting myself involved, trying to fix this situation, will only result in my being disturbed, which is a huge red flag for me. I want, more than anything, for this family member to stop what they are doing, I want to have a word with them and make them see the road they are heading towards. And yet, I know I can’t. I have to let them go down that road themselves, to reach their rock bottom before seeking help. I wonder if things would be different if I still lived near them, does this person feel I abandoned them? Putting that blame onto me is rather egotistical really isn’t it? What on earth makes me think this person would be behaving any differently if I lived more local to them?
Accepting that I cannot help someone I love is hard and yet, I know that it is the best thing for me and in the long run, for them too.
I have the urge to pick up the telephone and ask how they are but history tells me I know what they will be doing and I don’t want to hear their lies and so I don’t. Emotionally detaching myself from a situation like this feels so selfish but I have to put boundaries in place so that my sobriety remains in tact. After all, I am of no use to anyone, least of all my family, if I pick up a drink again. I can only be the best example I can be.
This realisation has in turn made me wonder about all of the drama that was in my life before, during my drinking years. Just how much of it was caused by me? Ultimately many things could have been different had I reacted in a different way and yet I have always reacted in the only way I have ever known how; full of emotion that I cannot handle and turning to a drink for a sense of comfort and ease.
I am thankful I do not do that any longer and that things can be different.