It has been a difficult few days.
After a few months of being sober himself, the husband started to doubt whether he does have an issue with alcohol or not. One boundary we have had from the start is that there is to be no alcohol in our home. It feels like an important rule to have in place and one that is non-negotiable. I just do not want the temptation to be within such easy reach.
On Thursday evening he came in with a four pack of lager. I thought I reacted calmly, I told him that yes I did mind but there wasn’t much I could do about the fact now that he had bought it.
The following few days were tense. I remained calm throughout but it felt like he was simply stirring, trying to create an argument so he would have an excuse to storm off to the pub and get drunk. I was not prepared to rise to it. On Friday evening, as he dropped me off at my meeting, he told me he needed to think about things, whether he could continue to live the rest of his life without alcohol in the house.
Perhaps I am being unfair but I need to protect myself, to protect my son. My mother died due to alcoholism, this illness has ripped my family apart and we continue to suffer the effects from it, dealing with things from years ago that were never dealt with.
I do not care if he wants to go out and get drunk, he can do that. I do not care if he wants to go out and just have a couple of drinks, he can do that. It stuck me as odd when he told me he didn’t want to go to the pub because he only wanted to have a couple of drinks, he didn’t want to be tempted to have more. Is that not the alcoholic thinking? Surely normal drinkers CAN just have a couple of drinks at the pub?
It seems that until my husband works out whether he is alcoholic or not and then deals with whatever he comes to realise, we will be in this cycle every few months. A cycle which is exhausting and draining. A time that makes me grateful more than ever for the support network I have because without it I would surely have reached for a drink over the weekend, with no idea of when I would stop.
For now, things have settled and our home is full of love and laughter and fun and games once again.