Me Minus Wine

My journey through sobriety

Month: December 2014

First Sober Christmas

The festivities are over for another year, unless of course you make a big deal about New Year, which we don’t. If I am honest I was worried about this Christmas. With a large family gathering where I thought would be the only non-drinker apart from three children aged four, seven and ten years old, I felt nervous to say the least. Ever with the alcoholic mindset, I was convinced everyone would be watching me, waiting for me to slip up.

As it happened, I was not the only non-drinker. There were a few drivers in the party as well as me, The Alcoholic. In the end, that didn’t matter.

For the toasts I had my Elderflower and White grape drink in a champagne flute. I had it in a wine glass for dinner. I didn’t feel any different to those that were drinking. I found myself genuinely enjoying the day.

Waking up a couple of times during the night to put my son back to bed during Christmas Eve without a hangover was different. Watching him open his stocking and feeling bright and fresh was a pleasure. I found his excitement rubbed off on me in a good way, rather than asking him to calm down “Because mummy has a headache and I don’t care that it is self-inflicted”.

At my family’s house, I was helping where I could instead of sitting around, doing nothing but drink prosecco and wine. I enjoyed being present and people enjoyed my being there. No one seemed to be waiting on tenterhooks for me to break down as I thought they would. I imagine that is just The Alcoholic thinking in me; assuming that everything is about me and that everyone is worried about me.

The day was every bit as chaotic and tiring as you would expect it to be with 22 people for dinner, 24 after dinner for present opening. As I reflect on the day, now I just cannot imagine how I would have got through it drinking, ending up drunk. As it is, it has taken me a few days to recover, it would have taken several more had I been drinking.

Boxing Day arrived at home, just the three of us spending the day in our PJs and I took pleasure in helping my son explore his new toys instead of languishing on the sofa, feeling sorry for myself. We played games and read stories. We relieved the day together with a lot of “Thank you for a good day” from my son.

Although I dreaded it during the build up, my first sober Christmas was amazing and I hope there are many more to come!

On Being Public

Being an alcoholic is something I am still ashamed about.

I have nine months sobriety under my belt and yet there are only a few people in my life that know. I don’t work and I don’t have many real life friends. My world for the last few years has consisted of online friendships. I have another blog, have been an active member of forums for a number of years and have another twitter account with close to 5,000 followers. I do not mention I am an alcoholic on Facebook, my other twitter account or on my other blog and I have wondered why.

I know why.

Whilst I am eternally grateful for what sobriety and the A.A programme have given me, somehow, I still do not want to publicly declare “I am a recovering alcoholic”.

I guess part of it is that really, in the realm of virtual friendships, you never really know who are true friends. Who are the people who will understand?

I imagine some of my followers may have noticed that I haven’t tweeted about pouring myself a glass (or ten) of wine. Maybe they haven’t.

There is a certain stigma attached to being an alcoholic, or an addict. I worry that people will be watching, waiting for my downfall. A downfall that would be quite spectacular no doubt. I worry that people will think that my admitting to being an alcoholic explains just about everything that has happened to me.

And yet, whilst I have always wanted to be as open with my followers as I can, I just don’t feel able to send that tweet or write that blog post on my other blog. So I feel I am hiding something from them.

I guess the important thing is that I have my family behind me, that they know. My real life friends that I do have are all from A.A anyway and I have confided in a handful of people who have known me online for several years.

Yet I feel dishonest, lacking integrity and no longer sure that it is something I should be keeping from them.

Nine Months

Nine months sobriety.

That’s quite something.

It occurred to me last night that I have now been sober for the same length of time┬áthat a healthy pregnancy should last. I didn’t even manage sobriety during my pregnancy (although I did only have a couple of glasses of wine a week).

The biggest thing I have learned during my sobriety is that it is okay to feel things. It is okay to cry, to get upset, to feel happy, to feel stressed, to feel angry, to feel scared. It is okay to feel all of these complex emotions that humans have (and I am convinced that the alcoholic or addict feels them in the extreme) and to not drink on them. Sobriety has taught me to handle them.

Sobriety has also taught me that it is okay to feel flat. That actually, feeling flat is good. It is, apparently, normal to just be okay, to not have one extreme emotion or to have a drama in my life.

As I reflect on my drinking days, I was always seeking out drama. I would involve myself in business that really was not my business in my attempts to fix things, apparently classic Al-Anon behaviour (my mother was an alcoholic who committed suicide during a relapse, my father is currently in A.A as well, my husband is, I believe, an alcoholic and my brother is an addict). Sobriety is teaching me that it is okay to just be.

Sobriety has taught me about honesty. I considered myself to be an honest person, even during my drinking. Yes I would lie or tell half truths in order to obtain more alcohol but somehow I could justify that to myself. Of course I would be extremely offended if anyone dared lie to me. Naturally, since I stopped drinking I just assumed that I had become more honest without really thinking about it. I have learned that I lie about my feelings; if my husband asks me if I am okay, is it really fair to say that I am if I am not? What am I scared of?

Sobriety has taught me about relationships. Through going to A.A. I have true friends, people who genuinely care for me and are not just hanging around for the next time I shout a night down at the pub (and plunge myself into debt to do so). It has made me available and present for my sisters; I cannot turn back the clock and be present for their most important years but I can be there for them now. I look forward to spending time with them without thinking about making an escape so I can go home and drink or without worrying if I will be too hungover to see them the next day.

Sobriety means I enjoy being a parent to my son. I enjoy playing with him, reading to him, helping him to learn and explore. He is an amazing, incredible addition to my life rather than an inconvenience. Of course there are still times I get twitchy at 5 pm and think a glass of Sauv Blanc would be nice but that thought leaves me as quickly as it arrives. I am so grateful that my son is so young that he will not remember my drinking days.

Sobriety means I nurture my marriage. I talk to my husband more, I listen more.

Sobriety means I lose my temper less, I am more patient and tolerant.

Sobriety is not, by any means, a perfect life. It is hard to deal with feelings and life but it is wonderful to be able to do so. Sobriety is handling life on life’s terms. Sobriety is taking responsibility for the harms I have caused in the past and making amends by being present in the lives of those I love.

Boundaries

It has been a difficult few days.

After a few months of being sober himself, the husband started to doubt whether he does have an issue with alcohol or not. One boundary we have had from the start is that there is to be no alcohol in our home. It feels like an important rule to have in place and one that is non-negotiable. I just do not want the temptation to be within such easy reach.

On Thursday evening he came in with a four pack of lager. I thought I reacted calmly, I told him that yes I did mind but there wasn’t much I could do about the fact now that he had bought it.

The following few days were tense. I remained calm throughout but it felt like he was simply stirring, trying to create an argument so he would have an excuse to storm off to the pub and get drunk. I was not prepared to rise to it. On Friday evening, as he dropped me off at my meeting, he told me he needed to think about things, whether he could continue to live the rest of his life without alcohol in the house.

Perhaps I am being unfair but I need to protect myself, to protect my son. My mother died due to alcoholism, this illness has ripped my family apart and we continue to suffer the effects from it, dealing with things from years ago that were never dealt with.

I do not care if he wants to go out and get drunk, he can do that. I do not care if he wants to go out and just have a couple of drinks, he can do that. It stuck me as odd when he told me he didn’t want to go to the pub because he only wanted to have a couple of drinks, he didn’t want to be tempted to have more. Is that not the alcoholic thinking? Surely normal drinkers CAN just have a couple of drinks at the pub?

It seems that until my husband works out whether he is alcoholic or not and then deals with whatever he comes to realise, we will be in this cycle every few months. A cycle which is exhausting and draining. A time that makes me grateful more than ever for the support network I have because without it I would surely have reached for a drink over the weekend, with no idea of when I would stop.

For now, things have settled and our home is full of love and laughter and fun and games once again.

 

 

Tis the Season

December is well and truly under way now. With Christmas just a few weeks away, brands spend millions on advertising. I used to think that the festive period was an advertiser’s dream for children. I have a young child myself, who wants everything that comes on the adverts, whether he is genuinely interested or not. From things he is clearly far too old to play with now, to puzzles with a thousand pieces, everything has the potential to be added to his Christmas list.

At least I have some control over what he sees. I can choose to watch a channel which does not have adverts. I can choose to have the television off.

Christmas means eating and drinking to excess as well.  The aisles of alcohol in the supermarket seem to have multiplied over the last month or so, with more choice than ever before and offers making it seem cheaper than ever before. There are adverts everywhere, that are not so easy to avoid. In the supermarket, on the sides of buses, at bus stops, pop ups on the Internet.

I don’t work and have very few friends so I don’t have the social pressure so much. I do have a large family with whom we will be spending Christmas. A large family who like to drink. Last year there was a whole table full of various alcohol; wine, lager, beer, spirits and champagne all set up outside because there was no room in the fridge. There is the pre-Christmas gathering, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

Through it all I need to deal with my husband as well. He has a few months of being dry, then thinks he can drink normally again and inevitably doesn’t manage to. Towards the end of last week I felt like he was stirring things between us, trying to deliberately cause an argument to give him an excuse to storm off to drown his sorrows in the pub. I didn’t rise to it and I am proud of myself and the way I handled it but it highlighted yet again that it is only a matter of time.

As of right now, I am optimistic that I can get through Christmas sober, without feeling too stressed out. Yet that is still just under three weeks away; anything could happen before then.

My first Christmas sober (aside from the one I was pregnant for!) is an exciting prospect but one that makes me nervous.

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